Hello, it’s definitely been a while.
To be the most honest, I have been a little uninspired with writing recently. I have been writing so much for school that I think I lost my voice in terms of what I want to produce with this blog. Which isn’t a bad thing, I still have been writing – which is good. I just haven’t been writing for myself without some sort of string attached – which is not good, at least for me.
I just forget what I want to say sometimes. Because here’s the thing, once I say something, I can’t take it back. And the whole point of this blog is to be genuine and authentic. I guess it just scares me that I could say something that is true to me now, and then have that idea change tomorrow. But, the only constant in life is change – and for me that is a hard pill to swallow.
However, an idea that I find true to myself right now is something that I do want to share. Because I don’t think it will change. Which is a feeling I don’t get often.
Recently, I have come very content with where I am in my life. And I feel like I owe that to the people I currently spend my time with, specifically my friends. Maybe I am just now having this realization because I am a second semester senior and I am starting to realize that I am not going to have everything in my life right now in a few months. I guess it’s one of those “you didn’t realize what you had until it was gone” moments.
Having the right people in your life matters. I’ve always known that, but I never necessarily knew the people in my life were “right” until recently.
Listen, as much as I may try to look put together, I am not. But when I truly love someone, heartbreak also follows it. And it’s because I don’t want my friends who love me to fall into the mistakes I made and continue to make. They deserve to have better role models in their life with all of their potential and care. I guess it’s one of those situations where I feel like my friends deserve better than me and I’m selling myself too short. I wish this wasn’t the nature of my thinking, but it is. Self doubt is really a bitch.
But for the last couple of months, I have been pushing myself to be a better person. And usually, I do this every here and there because I felt guilty or ashamed for whatever reason I decided to come up with. But this time, I didn’t have a ‘push’ if you will. I didn’t know why I was all of a sudden trying extra hard to be better. But then something in my brain just clicked.
Instead of wishing my friends away to find someone better, I was becoming that someone better. Because I didn’t want to lose some of the best people that have entered my life. And that was when I realized that my friends were the ‘right people.’ Because they had somehow grew a relationship with me that I learned to love so much unashamedly that I started to subconsciously work on being the best version of myself I could. Because in a way I was doing it for for me, for them.
It’s hard to explain because I barely understand it myself. But I know the friendships I have are meaningful, because they bring out the best in me as I do for them. It feels mutual. It feels real. It feels ‘right.’
And for you readers, if you have relationships that don’t feel right in your gut, I sure hope you do soon. Because life becomes a lot more exciting when you have the ‘right’ people by your side.
I’ll try to take a shorter break than last time. See you soon.
La vie en rose,